Exhaustion.

It’s always easier to let go the first time compared to the latter.
It’s always the latter that requires more pain.
It’s always the pain that helps people decide to not let go.

My DNT coursework has been submitted.
I realized the entire process has costed me approximately $70.
Results better compensate.
A load off my chest, but, a worry as well.
Kind of flunked my examination papers today.
It’s over, for now, till the holidays are over.
F.

Standing back up isn’t all. Being able to move on is. I suppose I don’t have it all yet then.

The Drive.

We often decide to let go of certain things.
And later realize we’re unable to.
We often think it would only be noble of us to let go of certain things.
And later realize that we aren’t that noble of a person yet.
We often think we’ll be fine after we let go of certain things.
And later realize we ask ourselves day and night, how to get it back.
We often think getting back would be as simple as when we let go of certain things.
And later realize we don’t dare to do it.

It’s about what I want, what I still want, what I can’t seem to not want.

Permanent Head Damage, Ph.D.

Like I say, “God” is just some term made up to cease frustrations over failure to explain someone, something, or a happening. “God” is holy, “God” is powerful, because nothing else can explain/define the unknown until logical, reasonable explanations/definitions exist.

My phone showed a symptom of dying. It better not.

We need not work all the way up to the Ph.D level to earn a lot, do we?
We just need to know how to earn a lot, to earn a lot, isn’t it?

Victimizing. I really should die.
It’s still there.

Ambiguity, I’m Still In.

For as long as we people Live.
We would Live till death, but never understand Life.
For as long as we people Love.
We would Love till death, but never understand Love.

When nothing turns out how you want it.
Cruelty to the Heart. I deserve to die.
Sorrow.

Home

Home is boring.

If I Were To Write A Book.

We’ll see.

I’m Waiting.

“Us going in and out of a relationship, is just like a caterpillar going in a cocoon, and transforming into a butterfly when out. — We transform.”

“If our best friends are our worst enemies because they know most about us, then what about our soulmate?”

Had about 5 to 6 hours of DNT today.
Finished up my artefact more or less.
No time for optimum quality, crap.

Crisis. Crises.

Define Love.

It’s just four letters, pronounced as.. I don’t know, “Larve?” “Larveth?” Dictionary.com says “Luhv,” so let’s just go with it.

If definitions of “Love” found in dictionaries and encyclopedias and taught by our teachers of life are right, then no one relationship would fail. World War I and II wouldn’t even have occurred.

If everyone on Earth were to define Love, we’d realize it’s practically impossible for anyone to “be perfect lovers,” because we’d realize that nobody defines Love exactly like how another does.

If family Love is default-relationship, then between whom, when, where, why and how does Love of extra-relationships come about?
I have nothing against homosexuality and bisexuality, but, I’d prefer discussing the more socially accepted sexual stance, heterosexuality.

Love at first sight.
Love out of nourished feelings.
Love over the, net?
Love through matchmaking sessions.
Love through blind dates.
You name it.

Which way of Loving is strongest? Which way of Loving is most fragile?
I’ve seen married couples with kids, who got to know each other through the net.
I’ve seen a decade old couple break up over reasons others find stupid.
I’ve seen couples getting together years after Love at first sight.
Have you?
To think that a couple could spend a decade understanding that they’re not meant for each other.
To think that a couple know each other so well, hit it off so well, just by understanding each other through reading each other’s weblogs, and communicating through the net.
It’s actually surprising that research shows, you can understand a person simply by reading his/her weblog, diary, journal. It only depends on how good you are at understanding others, you have to have good analytical skills. If you are one hell of a judgment and assumption based person, forget it.

Love is like The Rat Race of Life.
The goal of The Rat Race is to make money work for you, and to cease working for money.
The Love’s version of The Rat Race, to me, is making Love between you and your partner improve by itself, and not having you and your partner constantly draining energy to improve the Love between both of you. It’ll be so tiring, won’t it?

We, guys and girls either Love or Hate each other.
We can Hate each other, then Love each other.
We can Love each other, then Hate each other, because of Love, probably hurt each other or something.
We can Hate each other, then Love each other, as mentioned before, times of conflict are times you find out and understand the most about the other party.
We Hate Love when our relationships fail, claiming that Love played us out.
We Love Love when our relationships do well, saying without Love, would mean no happiness.
Countless patterns. It’s like doing mathematics.

We all want to know Love so much I think it should be a subject in our curriculum.
The reason why it’s not, is because there is no definition for it.
If we’re talking in terms of chemistry here, it’s neither solid, liquid, nor gas.
It condenses, it evaporates, it freezes, it melts, it sublimates, it has it’s own form of reaction that we haven’t named.

Question would be, how to get out of Love’s Rat Race? How to make Love between a couple, improve by itself? I don’t know, it’d probably be a matter of thought and management. It’d probably be the ability to manipulate Love. It’s how good we can be at making use of conflicts to enhance bond instead of breaking up. It’s knowing to do right things at the right time, saying right things at the right time. It’s about foreseeing what’s coming up.
It’s like going to war, predicting what’s gonna happen next, and making neccessary preparations.

It’s only when you understand the Love of your relationship completely, then would you be able to make Love between you and your partner improve by itself, for you, and your partner.

It’s only when you win the war and conquer the country, then would you be able to make the people of the country work with you to develop the country further, for you, and for themselves.

Again, I don’t know, “understanding the Love of your relationship” would probably just mean understanding your partner, and yourself. Having full awareness of both you and your partner, knowing every single right timing for the right thing to happen, to only move forward, and not halt or move backward.

Awe.

Around Fingers of Love.

Intellectualization/Rationalization.
Regression.
Displacement.

The above is 3 of all defense mechanisms.
Below, is extremely brief explanations of the 3 above. I’ll speak about the rest next time.
Defense Mechanisms are mechanisms within us that trigger a response/behaviour in us when we come across unacceptable facts, feelings, or behaviours.

Intellectualization/Rationalization:
Seeking excuses, whether logical or illogical, to fend off unacceptable facts, feelings, or behaviours. Examples of unacceptable facts, feelings or behaviours would be failing of examinations, feeling left out, and drug consuming. Examples of excuses would be, “I just did not study,” “It’s simply because their jealous of me,” and “I know my limits, I can stop right now, I’m just doing it for pleasure.”

Regression:
When one feels unacceptable and unsafe, his/her behaviour and thoughts are then altered/regressed back to an earlier stage of development. Meaning, Johnny has lots of friends when he was 13, but ever since he turned 14, he started losing all his friends, and now he is 16. He, at 16, feels very insecured, and then, he decides to act like a 13 year old boy, because it was 13 when he last felt safe and secured.

Displacement:
Usually unconscious. Simply meaning to vent anger on someone/something less threatening than what caused the anger. Example would be, after being scolded by the Discipline Master, one cannot defy in anyway in case of getting expelled, and hence decides to pick a fight with the very next non-authoritative figure who steps on his/her tail. A simpler example would be, a man goes to work and gets scolded by his boss, then goes home and abuse his wife.

Don’t know, I’ve been seeing lots of this 3 recently.

In Loving Memories Of.

All web loggers, also known as bloggers, how often do your entries either refer to yourself and/or others, for yourself and/or others, and hardly really logging your days? How often are your entries based on your own assumptions? How often can you prove your stands?

Last Resorts.

Don’t judge.
Don’t assume.
They ain’t what you think they are like.
We ain’t what you think we are like.
I ain’t what you think I’m like.
You ain’t what you think you’re like.
You ain’t what we think you’re like.
No one’s what others think their like.
We’ve all seen pony tailed girls blasting vulgarities, we’ve all seen high socked teenagers smoking.
We never knew they would do so.

We all will realize, if we look around, that some people don’t know why others look at them with bad impressions. It’s because of judgmental people. It’s because of judgmental friends and foes.
They judge you, they don’t let you know what they think badly of you, but they tell others, and others tell more. It’s a thing of our everyday lives. Don’t be surprised if you say hi to some stranger hoping to get help and he/she acts as though she just saw a ghost. Someone he/she knows might have shown em your picture on friendster and say that you’re a flirtatious pervert.

It’s a good thing to have a buddy and buddies. It’s dangerous when their highly judgmental.
Don’t you all at times, feel that you need to move away from your closer friends, and retreat into others? Don’t you all at times, feel that you should share your problems with strangers instead of your close friends? It’s like, wanting to start a whole new life, but at the same time, maintaining the current one. It’s wanting to have two lives. It’s hard, for not many strangers would spare the time. It’s time like that when some people resort to things, and not people, to drown their psychological burdens.

Also, it can be very disappointing, knowing how wrongly you’ve judged someone you thought so highly of.

Life’s a complicated game. When would we master it?

Such overwhelming turmoil. I really want to be secluded, or at least, to be partially secluded.